Update

It’s been forever.  Sorry folks.  No poem today either.  Again sorry.

I don’t know if I said anything or not, but I want you all to know that Jim’s visit was great.  He gave me a crap load of cd’s and dvd’s.  I loved having him here.  I think I’m in love lol.  He was definitely a great friend the whole time.  We shopped everyday.  Wal Mart, dog.  Sweet terryaki pork!

I blogged the whole time.  Well, my battery is low, gotta go!  Ain’t goin to no place nearby lol.

Getting Close

Yesterday, I was at my mom’s (the only internet connection I have close by) and she handed me a card.  The card had been mailed out from Washington, N.C. from my great grandmother, and enclosed was a check for $500.00 in hopes that it would help my college.  I guess needless to say, the deposit will be taken care of.  Mom and I went to the bank to start a checking account, and so I have a little bit of money in there.  I kept $25 of it and bought me an earpiece, but it sucks.  I can’t hardly hear anybody through it.  Oh well, soon, the deposit for the dorm will be taken care of.

As for the title of this blog, I have started to copy and paste some poems from one of my AP sites onto a document, and I have most of the written ones on my laptop as well.  Two different documents… You know, I may have enough poems for a few different books, but I won’t start publishing until I have EVERYTHING formatted.  And I do mean everything.  If I end up having different books, they will all be ready to publish at the same time.  Hopefully, that won’t be too far from now.  Now, it’s all a matter of getting it done and not procrastinating or getting sidetracked.  I wanted to take a break from copying and pasting and blog a little bit, so I guess I should be heading out of here soon to continue the finger and mousepad breaking procedure of copying and pasting and formatting it the same way as my first document.  If anybody has a good publisher that is either free or cheap, let me know.  I am always looking.

The Z Wolf.

I’m Back

Big news:  Kevin Browning is innocent!  He has been released from Greene County Jail.  All charges dropped.  Now, you won’t hear that from the newspapers or the news programs, because all they want to do is give you the bad and the nonimportant news.  So, what do you think of THAT, Morrisville?  Anyway, he’s home awaiting news from his lawyer about a couple of things like getting back at Salee (better watch your back, jerk).  Bolivar papers gave news of a warrant, and that is just flat out harassment and slander.  His lawyer was supposed to be notified.  Considering he wasn’t, we already know that Salee is behind all this.  I hate detectives who don’t want the truth; they just want someone in jail on their shift.  Jerks.

Also, I have transferred my file full of my poems from one computer to the next.  I am highly excited, though it’s going to be a lot of work to get it formatted the way I want it.  After I get that document formatted, I have to go to my allpoetry sites and collect the poems off of there.  Then, I have to see which poems I already have on that document.  Then, I have to reformat it to get it the way I want, and then, I can see about getting published.  Phew… that’s quite a bit of work.  I guess it don’t help that I’m always writing poems to add to the list.  Oh well, I have to search all poems on all computers (that are my poems, of course) to see what I don’t have and then do the whole process again.  I may cut this all into 2-3 books.  Who knows?  I’ll have to see what needs done after I think it’s all done lol.

Jim was a great guy and great company.  He gave every one of us CD’s that will last us a while, though he gave me the most.  He also gave us some DVD’s, giving me the most lol.  I miss him bunches, but it’s time to move on with life.  He made me feel so much better about myself though.  I’ve gone from wearing jeans all the time to wearing shorts and… get this… tank tops.  OMG guys!!!

I had a job, but my boss is traveling and disappearing.  I’m guessing he’s headed my way sometime, but I really don’t know.  I may or may not keep ya’ll posted on that.  Not that it matters, nobody reads my blogs anyway.

I thought about adding a poem on here, but it’s kinda dark… Oh well… Here goes.

Can You Finally Feel It?
5/19/08

I notice you
Crying over my body
Why?
You never cared before
Are you just faking it
So others can see your tears
Your fake tears streaming
Down your face

But wait
You cry when you are alone
So that if someone walks in
You are crying
Right?
I know you
You hated me
You wanted me dead

Are you finally feeling
The weight
Of my pain
On your shoulders?
Are you finally beginning
To see
My death is your fault?

I see you fingering
Caressing
Your daddy’s gun
Fidgeting
Should you do it?
Why would you?
You never cared before
I could tell
You hated my guts

Are you finally feeling
The weight
Of my death
On your shoulders?
Are you finally beginning
To see
My pain was all your fault?

I never said goodbye
Never needed to
I knew
You all hated me
Didn’t want me around
Yet you
The one who hated me the most
The one who cared about me the least
You
You are the one crying the most…

Are you finally feeling
The Weight
Of my death
Of my pain
Are you finally beginning
To see
That all of this
Is your fault… … …

 

The Z Wolf All Rights Reserved

sadness

Jim had to go home early early early this morning.  It was real early this morning when Mom and I left the hotel for the last time.  When I talked to him last, he was still on the road, and it was after noon then.  Poor guy.  I had a lot of fun, though.  It was definitely worth dragging his butt down here.

I’m trying to ignore certain guys… well trying not to become involved with them.. but they seem to not get the hint.  Jim was great… He was like a free personal guidance counselor for adults lol.  He gave me advice and stuff that I really needed… and my ex is trying to push his way back into my life, even though I’m trying to harden my heart toward him…. he cut it open pretty deep… I’m still trying to heal.  Jim has helped, and Bill has helped…

Mom got a text last night that stated that my best friend may be out of jail as soon as later today.  I really hope so.  Charges could be completely dropped or he could be charged of a lesser charge.  I’m really hoping this all gets dropped.  They tried yet again to get him to take a deal, and he told them to go to hell… good boy. =D

I’m waiting for a call from my “boss”  We’re still trying to find more associates to get this program up and running.  I’m glad I have this “job” to lean on… my ex wanted to hang out Friday, and I can’t do it… I can’t go see him… I am pretty sure he’ll make a move on me… and I still like him… I don’t want to cause myself any drama, cuz I hate drama.  I HATE IT!!!  I’m not going to hurt my heart again.

Even confusion hurts, I’m finding out.  He confuses me, and it hurts for some reason.  I haven’t quite figured it out.  I swear even I don’t understand women, and I am one.  Well, for that matter, I understand men a little less… even though they are supposedly simple:  eat, sleep, bang, sleep, eat, gimme a beer, sleep, eat… TV the whole time.  lol.  Some men also hunt/fish/both.  Some also smoke… and I guess some don’t drink…. see… it’s more complex once you think about it.  Some have good hearts, and others just want sex… some are sly to get it, and others are more direct.  … so how do you know the difference between the lover and the fucker? (pardon my language)  It’s hard!  That’s my problem.

The Z Wolf.

Just A Poem

I Never Meant…

I never meant to fall so hard
Or so fast
I never meant to fall at all
But I did
I have

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do
Now that I’ve fallen for you
Life just got a bit more complicated

I guess I denied it for a little bit
And I tried to deny it longer still
But my heart was reaching past my mind
And into your hands

I just pray that you will care
For it almost as good as he
Until he and I are reunited once again

Until then
Yes
I have definitely fallen for you

The Z Wolf

Maybe…

So, I kinda cried with no tears to my friend Jim last night about what happened (see previous blog), and he said that I probably cause my own drama.  I never noticed, but the way he said it really made me think.  Maybe I do cause my own drama… I don’t realize it if I do.

Blues Lyrics

Baby, do you feel what I do?
Every small touch drives me wild.
Baby, do you feel what I do?
Every small touch just drives me wild.

Just please tell me it’s not my imagination
Please, darling, tell me it’s not just my imagination

We touch
And my heart skips a beat
We kiss
And I don’t dare to breathe

Baby, do you feel what I do?
Every small touch drives me wild.
Baby, do you feel what I do?
Ever small touch just drives me wild

[Lead]

You tell me you feel what I do
And every touch drives you wild
You tell me you feel what I do
That every touch drives you wild

Now I know it ain’t my imagination
Oh now I know it ain’t my imagination

So put your arms around me
And love me tonight
Put your arms around me… … …

… And love me tonight

I wrote those lyrics for Abandoned Cadillac, a band I joined that fell apart shortly after (and not because of me, mind you).  I have more lyrics, but those will be posted on another day.

*Blushes*  I thought Jim was still talking to my mom, even though he told me he was going to call his.  I’m so stupid.  Storms hit pretty hard last night around here.  Several people were killed, and twice as many toranados hit this year than last.  I asked him to ask my mother something FORGETTING that he was on the phone with his mother. *Blushes*  Stupid me.  Oh well.

Well, we are headed to the Fantastic Caverns in a few, so I’m gonna log off here.  See ya later.

The Z Wolf.

Why Is It That….

Why is it that when you find a guy you really like… may even possibly be a soul mate…. that guys keep popping up after the fact?  And why does it occur with a whole bunch of ex boyfriends?   Especially those that could have possibly used me… mainly one that confuses the heck out of me (I love him and am scared of him)  I want him back, but I want to shove him completely out of my mind.  I love somebody else, and I told him this… WHY IS MY LIFE SO DARN CONFUSING???

I need held, but the one I want to hold me at this time can’t.  Why do I hurt?  I don’t even know what frustrates me.  I told him I was taken and he still wants to be with me… … … He misses me… says he didn’t really have a good chance… things didn’t work out… et cetera.  Maybe that’s what hurts.  I don’t like this paranoia thing I have to deal with now… used twice in the same period of 12 months… makes me afraid to love again… even if I’m sure the guy isn’t going to hurt me… in any way… God!  I really don’t know what to do now… I’m so … … confused… … I don’t know why…

I’m just going to go to bed now…  I’m sorry I had to take my depression out on all of you who read this, but I needed to get it all out… and I’m still thoroughly confused!  grr.

The Z Wolf.

I’m Not Creative Enough To Come Up With A Title This Time

Yeah I don’t have a title this time…. I really don’t know what to bog about, just that I want to blog.  I think I have one person who has actually read this blog… he’s probably the only one who really cares.  I mean, I have like 3 more lol.

Last night was one of those nights where I just got to thinking about my best friend in jail… and got depressed… which is funny, because this morning, I was onery as ever haha.  Evil laugh…

I don’t really feel like posting another poem today, but at least I blogged.  I may come on later and post one.  Who knows?  My mind just happens to be reeling in different directions… And I think I’m going to act on it… yeah… I am… See ya later peeps!

The Z Wolf.

Today’s Stuff

I think I am going to start actually blogging more just to get my typing speed and accuracy up.  My only problem is the stupid ten-key.  I’m HORRIBLE at that and have no clue as to how to get better except for going into data entry and actually getting the practice.  The only problem is, I type fairly quickly and accurately, but I don’t have any work history.  Thank goodness a friend of mine kinda took me under his wing and offered me a job at the salary of at least $10 an hour.  I told him that even though the corporation isn’t completely ready to roll yet, I would work for him for free for now… until he can pay me on a regular basis.

Anyway, these blogs this week were for my poems so get ready for another one:

Spring In The Woods

Fish swimming; Current
Rushing; Breeze blowing; Flowers
Blooming; Pretty sight

A Poem!!

I’m actually going to keep up with my thing to put poems on here, and I found one to post here, so here goes!

Flowers On A Rainy Day

My best friend gave me
Flowers on a rainy day
Took me in his arms
And caressed my long brown hair
He told me he needed me

He made me feel loved
And made me feel so special
I felt so wanted
When my best friend gave me those
Flowers on a rainy day

Needless to say that
Man became my one true love
All because of some
Flowers on a rainy day
The day my heart had broken