“My Biggest Fears”

I think I’m slowly finding my calling, and it includes my poetry.  Lately, my poetry has taken a turn toward prayer.  I got to thinking about some things people have been saying, and I read some of my poetry that I’ve written recently.  … Maybe I’m supposed to use my poetry as my ministry; being able to reach people nobody else can reach through my poetry.  I can let people know they are not alone.  I felt alone for too long; it’s time to tell people that they are not alone in feeling alone.  They can find people to talk to about these things.  People who have dealt with demons can finally know that they aren’t hallucinating or crazy.  Maybe I can create an email so that people who are going through these things can talk to me… I could seriously minister with my poetry……….

God, you rock!!

The Z Wolf.

Moving On…….

I am getting Biblical counseling for my demon problem hee hee (I know, it’s not that funny).  I was told that it was good to be able to still have my intellect.  My intellect can’t be touched, because I also have strong spirituality.  The spirit helps me to discern truth from lie, though sometimes I can seem like I believe the lies.  It’s my emotions that are weak.  I can still fight with God at my side.

What really sucks is he seems to know the significance of the wolf to me, though he won’t tell me what he’s thinking (the counseling guy, James).  I have to pack up the wolves and the dream catchers to see if I’ll feel different, but won’t I feel better with the counseling, whether I have them or not?  I almost cried when I started taking everything down.  Who knows?  It may be a good thing.  But that don’t mean I like it any less.

My heart is so wounded, and I have withdrawn so much that I cannot feel.  How can I love if I cannot feel, but I know that I need the one I love with no feelings.  God put him in my life for a reason, and I’m glad of it.  He is helping me to help myself find my feelings again, but the last time I was with him, my wolf came out, and not in a bad way at all.  Kinda makes me wonder if when I start feeling again, I become like the wolf more than the dragon… never know.  I’ve had demons all my life… But it’s time to start over anew.  My b-day is Monday.  That’s when I try to put things behind me (well, by then lol).  I need to lay it all down at God’s feet instead of storing it inside me for the demons to feed upon.  I just don’t know how.  How does someone lay depression down?  Anger?  This pain I feel from everyone around me?  I can’t do this alone.

The Z Wolf.

So What Next, Lord?

I found out the guy I was hanging out with that was hitting on me all the time and stuff wasn’t really interested in me.  Actually, in truth, he was matchmaking me with his roomy, Joe.  Now I like Joe a lot, but my past hasn’t exactly been perfect when it comes to guys.  I’m gonna be honest about that.  I am an accidental player, and he deserves so much better than me… Not in his eyes, of course.  He says no matter who I am, he will always like me a lot.  He is a hopeless romantic and a trustworthy companion.  I know he won’t play me, and I’m going to try so hard not to play him.  I know that he will pick me up when I fall… I know he will help me if I begin to drown in my depression and the lies of the demons… Will get to that later.

So God, I’m here.  What’s the next step?  I like him and have since I first met him.  We have so much in common that it’s insane, and then he has a lot in common with my brother, so that’s awesome.  It’s beyond awesome… 

 

So about them demons…

Today, I was attacked by a few demons that attacked my emotions; mainly my depression.  It was so bad that I just had to get out.  I tagged along with Joe and Stephen to Lowes after that and missed the soccer game today.  So sad.  Anyway, I had a really strong demon in me that would not leave.  I told Jen about it, and she decided to pray for me, so I agreed.  Still wouldn’t leave, and he held me back to where I could barely speak when she asked me a question.  She went to speaking in tongues with her hand on my forehead and he pushed back… One would push and the other would push harder… The demon growled and it was all I had to prevent him from biting her.  It took so long before he finally could not fight any longer and left.

Now Joe is telling me that he could try again sometime to possess me and that it could be one of the toughtest time in my life, but because of God bringing me to Grace, I won’t have to deal with him alone.  I have my friends and I have God and my faith in Him.  Bring it on!  I will win this war!!!

The Z Wolf.

Who Cares About Sleep???

So, the past few nights, I have been getting in my dorm at midnight or later and checking my email and stuff.  But for once in my life, I actually fit in somewhere, and I have friends that ask me to hang out with them; not the other way around.  I have a life for once, when used to be, I didn’t know what that was.

Apparently, I’m a good blogger and writer, so I will try to make it a point to blog more often… But nothing every goes on worth blogging about, so I don’t blog lol.  I guess I do have some funny stories, but I never think about blogging them.

My new friend, Joe made a forum-type thing and made some interesting observations that I just had to reply to with my own observations.  I guess Grace is the matchmaking and nickname giving college, so this ought to be fun.  So far, Micah wanted to call me Sudsy, Rachel said cookie, the boys all said Kami (I hope I spelled that right) which means Wolf (which I like a lot )  I seem to be a deep thinker without actually trying.  I was always the quiet one, so I learned how to see things.  The girl in the book I’m writing is a lot like that as well.  Wonder why lol… Anyway, I’m also very human and have done things other people have that they don’t see as wrong, but others do.  It’s a mistake we all make.  Nobody can make everybody happy, and I’m not going to try.  I say what’s on my mind/heart, and if you don’t like it oh well.  That’s my opinion, and as my t-shirt says “Everything I Say Is Fully Substantiated By My Own Opinion”  And its very true.  lol.

My roomy thinks flirting is a sin… Everybody flirts to some extent no matter their intentions.  Friends joke around with other friends about them hanging out with the opposite sex, so they say “oh stop flirting” and it’s a joke… funny.. ha ha??  So I joked about her flirting these guys, and she took me like seriously… omg!  So that goes with nobody can make everybody happy, and you don’t know that they will take it hard when everybody else takes it as it is… you know, a joke!!  She was like telling me that I need to be considerate about other people’s feelings when I say something… like I just knew that saying that would make her feel bad.  Whatever.

I don’t know everybody.. I don’t know everybody’s life stories or what they struggle with.  I’m not that good.  I’m not God.  I’ve heard so often to think before I speak, like I’m supposed to just know what’s going to hurt somebody somehow or turn them against me.  I don’t get a warning; they don’t tell me “hey don’t say this around me” or anything.  I say what I want, and people take it how they want.  They can take my joke as a joke or think way too deep into it.  Whatever.  It’s their choice, but it’s not my fault I wasn’t warned.  If I had been warned and knew the person well enough to know that even joking about that topic wasn’t a good thing (or could be warned about that too), then I don’t do it.  I’m like that.  But if you’re just weird like that and way different than everybody else in how you take something, I’m not gonna know that unless you tell me first… so I don’t take it into consideration…

“Think about how it will make a person feel when you say something.” 

How about….

“Think about how everyone else probably takes it and ask them not to say something like that to you.”?

Get it??

The Z Wolf.

Social Shock

Boy, they really want us to get to know one another out here.  I’m a loner and have always been that way.  Too many people too many times is a little shock…  I have a problem with depression when I’m surrounded by people… especially those in little groups… I feel alone, because I’m not part of them; I don’t know people like these others do.  Everybody has their groups and yells at people they know and have inside jokes.  I feel like a new student in high school…

My schedule was messed up, but at least I had psychology… they fixed it… now I no longer have psychology, but I have the classes I was supposed to have, though I’ve already bought the book for it.  Whatever… oh well.  Now some of my classes overlap, and that confuses me.

My roomy is never in, and she hardly talks to me anyway. Guess she’s getting a job or something.  I need to, but I can’t do kitchen work or anything, because it makes me sick.  The smell gets to me easily.

I’m thinking about joining volleyball, but I’m worried about the cost and how good I’ll be…………….

HEY NO COST YAY!!!  I think I’m going to talk to the coach at 5:30 tomorrow after the stupid welcome week go thing is over with (have no idea what the heck that is)  It’s not really my social group, but why not give it a try?  Right?

Well, I’m going to go, so I can call my mother and head over to the computer lab to print something out.  Peace out, alls.

The Z Wolf.

College Time

I’m moved into my dorm, and can’t sleep.  Don’t know why.  I don’t think my roomy can sleep either.  She left for “Devotional Time” or something.  I dunno.  She likes Nightwish, so that’s a plus.

I still have to get my books and stuff, and I don’t have all the money needed for that on my debit card, and I don’t know how to use financial aid or anything like that.  My mailbox won’t open; not that I can see the numbers anyway, as I’m short, and it’s a top PO Box.  Grr lol.  I couldn’t log in to IQ Web to get my schedule either, so…. yeah…… Not the best of days, but not too bad.

Mom’s taking it pretty hard, and I’m sure It’ll get hard after I know she’s actually gone.  I wish we had been able to go to Romeo’s since she really likes that place.  Too bad… she’s leaving tomorrow morning *sniff sniff*

I’ll keep everyone updated.

The Z Wolf.

Got Enough Stress Without….

I’ve been stressing over the financial part of college for a while, and now I’m trying to get enough, so I’m stressing even more… now I’m dealing with my own family telling me that they’ll just send me back, cuz I won’t have the money.  Think I have enough stress on my plate without all that shit on my shoulders, pardon my language.  It’s just really aggravating.  I mean, Dad says he’s been trying to get me to go, but he doesn’t seem to want me to go where I know I’m meant to be.  Satan?  Who knows?

Needing $6000 more…

The Z Wolf.

Depressed Stress…

I started packing up my stuff yesterday… I’m starting to get overwhelmed and depressed.  I don’t wanna go…

Money is really tight, and I may not be able to go.  No… I’ll go… God will provide.  After all, this is where He wants me.  I was looking at scholarships earlier, and most of them want me to be this excellent student that does everything… and that people just absolutely love, because they are a leader.  I’m not that person.  I also hate politics, and most of the scholarships are about that.  Show leadership, courage, strength… what would you do if you were the president… demonstrate leadership, courage, strength… how to eat on a dollar a day… demonstrate poverty knowledge… I don’t get it.  None of that is me.  Disabled?  Well, no.  Extracurricular activities?  Not since people convinced me I was worthless.  Leadership?  I go home and babysit my sisters.  Courage?  I learn to hold my breath a little longer when I think I’m drowning.  Seriously.  This is not doing me any good.  Is your GPA at least 3.0?  no but just below it.  Now that’s aggravating, let me tell you.  Have you volunteered?  No, but I tried… Of course they don’t ask that question… they want to know how long you volunteered and for what.  Work experience?  Nobody except a fast food joint wants someone without work experience… kinda catch-22, ain’t it?  Especially when my dad is convinced I’m going to be asking people “you want fries with that?” the rest of my life.  That got me a little picky on where I’ll work.  Sports?  Heck no!!!

It seems funny that I just barely missed out on scholarships… I mean, the school has one for band students that have been in band for a while, but I missed out on that one, because Mom made me quit (I didn’t practice)  There’s GPA scholarships that ask for a 3.0, and I got just below that.  Sports?  I let people convince me I wasn’t good enough to play… I never got to play anyway.  Volunteering… I was going to volunteer for an organization I’ve been wanting to volunteer for ever since I heard about it… Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America.  But I was leaving, and they didn’t really want HS kids.  They told me to try signing up for the one in Nebraska.  Thanks.  And like I said, a lot of them want something to do with politics, and I just can’t stand politics… I see guys tearing each other up on TV, and for what?  For a job people are going to say they suck at anyway???  For all the stress???  Eesh… count me out.

I guess the gist of this was one of those “I really, really, really need help here” things.  But I do.  I guess it sucks that nobody reads my blogs, huh?

The Z Wolf.

Giving Up…

After years of searching for a lost love, I have decided that it’s just not meant to be, though I am curious as to where he might be.  I figured maybe if I put his name in here (people do random name searches on themselves all the time), maybe he’d think “Who the heck is this and how does she know me?”  I doubt it, but it’s worth a shot.

Casey Lee Gann, I am curious as to what you are up to lately.  You’re 19 now, right?  I’m almost 19.  I wish I knew what you were up to.  I’ve moved on, you know, and I’m sure you have too.  Where are you?  Last I heard, you were in Ozark… I don’t know where you’d be now.  I hope you have matured in Christ.  I have.  I’m sorry I’ve been angry with you.. .not that you knew that anyway, right?  I’m not angry… I think I held a grudge on you for kind of walking out on my life, but I’m over it… if there’s any way you could contact me, that would be great.  Look up the name zhaniswolf on google sometime and see what you get.

My name is Dawn, and I approve this message lol.

The Z Wolf.

Hello Again

Not much has happened lately… Just the usual, I guess.  I haven’t been on AllPoetry lately; I don’t really know why.  I haven’t written much, and I certainly haven’t posted any.  I’m sorry, all.  I may make a new page about college life, but I may not.  I haven’t really decided yet.

Speaking of college, I guess my nerves are shot a little bit.  My hormones aren’t doing so good.  Don’t ask.. not that I expect anyone to.  I’m not really sure what to do now… I don’t want to leave Kevin’s side… not while all of this is going on.  He told me it’s part of my dreams, and it is, but I’m scared… Yes, I’ll admit my fear.  It’s so far away, and it all starts the 19th… that’s like only 2 weeks… Yes, I’m scared.

I didn’t do so good in High School… math being my worst subject, and friends being a low score as well.  I don’t know that I’ll have people to hang out with, and my only vice to get away is a horrible one that I’m trying to break.. for somebody else’s sake along with my own.

College is a big step, and sometimes, I just don’t feel like I’m mature enough to take it.  I’m almost 19… I feel like I’m too young for this.  It’s causing a lot of stress for me, but I’m trying to get over it… for my body’s sake, I guess.

I don’t have the money to make this possible… my debit card reads little over $100… not near enough.  It goes fast… I’m scared for financial reasons as well, but my step-mother is doing research for me.

You know, it’s funny… I held such a grudge on my father for doing what he did, but the more I think about it, the more I’m thinking God knew what He was doing… Without Ann, I would be lost.  I would be confused about everything school-wise.  Thanks, God.

The Z Wolf.