New Site

Hey everyone, you all know that I’m a writer who loves poetry and fiction and all that.  Well, I have now gotten on Associated Content (associatedcontent.com), which is a site that pays per view on your submission.  You can find me by either searching for contributor Dawn DeMarco, or simply follow this link:  http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/612605/dawn_demarco.html 

I would greatly appreciate it if you would take the time and head on over there.  I am placing my life into the hands of this site and would like some money out of it; yes I am that desperate.  Please go over there.  You do not need to comment, and I’m not sure you even need to read it.  Just click and act like you’re reading it or something.  Who knows?  You may enjoy reading what I’ve written.  I certainly hope so.

Nothing new has been happening.  My family came up for a visit this weekend, so that was a lot of fun.  But other than that, there hasn’t been much going on.

Upwards

Things are still a bit cloudy; I won’t lie to you all. Yesterday I broke down and cried for probably a good hour (talk about exhausting) after finding the “wrong” (What are we doing wrong??)

I got out of bed and went to talk to Joe about how we never spend time with God TOGETHER, which may be a key. I don’t do as much as I should either.

Things were going good until the topic of my choking driving fear came up. Things spiraled down, and it wasn’t even his fault. I realized that I was a selfish idiot, and that all he was doing was trying to help. I felt so empty and so worthless inside, that I just took off back to bed and bawled.

So today is a new day. I applied for two more stores, and my grandmother’s money to help for groceries came in. This morning, I called back the 800 number that kept calling me with no information in the voice mails to even let me know who was calling other than “your jeweler” which could be a scam, Brodkey’s, or Kay’s. How was I to know? Anyway, I called back, and they wanted to let me know that my bill was due within the next 5 days.

I’m going to use my grandmother’s money to get me out of the hole and will have a little bit left over. Even the bill’s taken care of! So things are looking up.

And Joe might be holding the keys yay! More money!

And I has secrets haha

EPIC FAIL

And the phobia clenches me once again. I’m suffocated by my own fears.

And what fear could I, the Z Wolf who has endured many things, possibly have?? One little one. The fear of driving in unknown territories alone with lots of traffic. Small towns I can do. As a matter of fact, I love driving in small towns, on dirt roads, etc. But in a big city, I’m out of place. I love the city, don’t get me wrong. But now I have to drive in it. Suddenly, me no like the city much anymore.

It’s not that I’m an inexperienced driver either. On the contrary, though I have only been driving for a few years now (3 or 4), I consider myself to be a good driver. But my confidence goes bye-bye in the big city.

And so I fail. Thankfully, I have a small excuse to reschedule an interview (and that’s the thing, why do they only give you like a day’s notice?). My father in law is coming in to help take care of things.

Oh yeah, I got an interview with a place I applied for thinking maybe it would be cool to work at a truck stop. But now I don’t really want the job. I just need a job. Oh please, Lord, let the Humane Society call me back. And hire me.

Why am I so afraid of driving? I wish I knew. Because if I knew what was causing the fear, maybe I could make it go away. But I don’t think any amount of “facing it” is going to help.

So I tried asking my dear husband if he would be mad at me for chickening out. He responded asking me what I said and then grew quiet, either actually fallen asleep or just faking it.

Sometimes, I need confirmation that someone is listening. And it seems when I need something from him like that, he’s on another plane (dimension). And of course with the wonderful curse of Eve, I get mad/depressed (usually the latter).

So pretty much I feel worthless. Again (or still, however you might want to look at it). I can’t drive, because I’m too scared. And yes, I truly am scared. Like phobia scared. The Humane Society at least is fairly close and not too hard to get to. I don’t have to deal with too much traffic like I would going most other places, and it’s my passion. That makes it worth it. This overnighting thing for a truck stop just doesn’t cut it.

“You could always say no” Except that I fear saying no would put more strain on this family (including in laws).

Oh I fail no matter WHAT I do! And I hate it!

I don’t want this job, yet I feel as if I’ll get it. I want the animal shelter so bad, yet I doubt I’ll get anything I’m passionate about. I don’t understand.

Why do all my hopes fall; slaughtered?
Why can’t I be grateful that I’m alive and not starving too bad?
Why can’t I have this one thing? Just one thing. A mix between want and need. Need the money; want the job.
Would I even be good at a job?

And why is it that every time I feel the need/desire to cling to my husband, he almost pushes me away? Now, he doesn’t do it on purpose, or at least I don’t think so, but he has other things on his mind. But then, when I don’t feel clingy, he’s all over me. What the heck?

And why can’t a man seem to answer a woman with a simple “I don’t know”? I asked a question, and got complete silence as a response. Why? Because he didn’t know. So just tell me that! Speak your mind! I don’t bite! …hard…

I just want things to make sense for once.

Today

perseverance: the act of acting like you have it all together until what you are looking for comes up. perseverance: the act of seeming strong and patient despite what God has thrown at you. perseverance: I try…

Today has been that kind of day.  You all know what I’m talking about.  When things just aren’t going right, and you feel like you should just sleep the day away to save the world the hassle of dealing with you.  Or to save yourself the hassle of dealing with you.  Or just to make sure you don’t keep hurting yourself.  Garfield would call it “Monday”
Unfortunately, today is Tuesday.  Terrible Tuesday.  Things are falling apart, we are falling apart, and we’re running out of duct tape to hold ourselves together.  It doesn’t help when tears remove the sticky stuff…

Today hit us hard for some reason.  Nothing seemed to be going right, and the financial situation we’re in isn’t getting any better… Worse, maybe?

And when we try to make it better, it’s like EPIC FAIL or CRIT MISS.  Things are out of order or just plain not working.  So then what?

But we’re trying.  Honest.  It’s difficult beyond measure, but we’re trying.

And to top it off, I’ve known for quite sometime that something was wrong with me.  I’m going to make some phone calls tomorrow (if I remember/don’t put it off for too long) to see about getting screened for diabetes.  I have over half of the symptoms of diabetes (the high blood sugar kind), so we will see.  And if that’s negative, I just allowed some doctor to stab me with a needle for nothing (yuck).  And that just marks something off the list of what could be wrong with me.  I’m almost hoping that’s what it is, because then, at least I actually know and can do something about it.

Prayers appreciated,

Z.

idk…

I am worthless.

Of all the things I should be able to do… you know… normal things that even mentally retarded people can do, I can’t.

I can’t remember how to get from one place to the other until I have seen the route several times. I can’t work with food or cleaning supplies because of my allergies and weak stomach. And I can’t get a job.

Application after application after application has been denied, or if I do manage to land an interview, it’s really only because they “saw my resume and liked it” and then slaughtered all hope I had.

Yup. I’m worthless.

Dad in law keeps hounding husband about me not having a job. “How are you going to pay the bills?” I don’t think he means to, but it puts a lot of pressure on my husband which puts twice as much pressure on me. He hounds me about getting a job, and I break down. Why?

Maybe because I’m trying. Maybe because I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe because I can’t do the follow up things. Afraid of rejection? Considering I know I get depressed every time (working on it, honest), maybe. Fear of cold calling? Yeah that too. Can’t drive? Yup, because I don’t know the area.

Every suggestion… slaughtered. By me.

I’m worthless.

I’m running out of hope, faith… I’m running out of a lot of things. I appear stronger than I am if only to keep my husband standing.

But there comes a point when maybe, just maybe, it’s time to use the government for their money. It’s time to ask for help. And not just a one time “here you go” cash for the pocket! I mean, food stamps or whatever. It would help…

That’s all I got.

I’m just trying to hide it all, so I can help Joe with his dreams. But today, I cried. I got off the phone with him and I cried. I had no rebuttal and no idea what to say in return, so I said “I have to go” and hung up. And then I cried.

Because I realized one thing.

I am worthless.

Does God even care?