Purity

I’m another step closer to telling my story. Josh says I should go with “Purity” instead of “Abstinence” because it expands more. I think I will work on that. He wants to do a panel sometime because I’m not the only leader with that kind of story, but he wants to stick with my title I edited it to make it a bit less harsh, so now instead of “Purity from the Eyes of a Slut” it is “Purity from the Eyes of the Unpure”… just for the sermon thingy.

He says it’s going to be in February, so I guess I need to start working on what I’m going to say. I don’t want to give kids the impression that I’m fine now, because I’m not. What I did is not right, and it has left residue on me. I’m not the same person I was; I gained 1O years I should not have gained. Plus, there’s that trust issue between me and Joe because of it, and that hurts a little bit too.

Yes, I have no regrets, but I still hate what I did back then. I’m glad I did it, because it made me who I am today, but at the same time, I look back and realize how stupid I am for doing that crap. I still go into modes of depression from it at times and wish I could take it back. Ha… Isn’t that what regret means? Wishing you could take it all back? Yet, I don’t… But only because God is using it for His Glory. Only because it has made me who I am today.

Life Right Now

So, I was so hacked at my family that I decided to put up a list of all the jobs I have applied to/all the places I have walked in hoping to apply along with my resume. I did that about two days ago, I suppose.

Joe’s great Aunt Alberta went to the hospital after some stomach and bowel problems. Something about an inflation of the intestine or something. They said it wasn’t fatal, but it was still kind of scary. She’s cool; reminds me of my great Aunt Rosemary, who I love very much.

The job hunt hasn’t gone anywhere still, not for lack of trying.

DDO is addicting! I was on for about 7.5 hours without even realizing it. When I looked at the clock and noticed, however, I logged off and took a nap. I got back on for a couple of hours when my friends came over, though.

I honestly haven’t eaten anything all day except for some peanut M&Ms. The peanuts have protein in them, so that’s good.

Joe has lost his cellphone. It’s been missing for a couple of days, which is fine, since it’s been disconnected anyway… Still, I hate it when I can’t find my phone–whether it works or not!

I snapped a little bit yesterday at church at the youth leader because I still haven’t been able to get involved. There’s a lot of girl group leaders, so there’s really no use for me. I sit with Joe up in the sound booth, but honestly, I’m up there bored out of my mind. I was a bit depressed and hormonal, so yeah… Oops. Oh well, it got the message across, and I didn’t cry (yay). So now he’s coming over tomorrow afternoon (well I guess later on tonight, since it’s 12:15am) to talk to us about how to get me plugged in. He is on a Bathsheba series for the next few weeks, and my testimony really fits in well with his last sermon, so we’re going to discuss that too. Maybe my sole purpose is simply to share that particular testimony. Still, I really want to be able to get plugged in since 1) that’s what God is calling me to do and 2) because I want Joe to be able to be involved, and he will leave if I’m not involved, since if I’m not involved there’s really no reason for me to be there. It takes one person to run the sound system and computer. I’m not really needed right now, and it kills me.

Not sure how Joe is doing with his homework. Every time I ask, he says he’s doing it, but I’m never sure. If he fails, it’s on his shoulders, but I don’t want him to fail. Occasionally I do hear the videos related to school (how-to do this on a computer.. stuff I don’t have a clue about) so that’s good. He really needs to get busy on math, but since this class is ending soon, he wants to get on it. Stupid school screwed him over a week, so he’s running behind as is. I’m just worried that the math will overtake him like last time and he’ll just get fed up and quit. I really hope he doesn’t do that, because it’s a future with possibly more money, and since he’s not feeling much of a purpose at NAPA, he’s not enjoying it so much. He needs to be creative, which is why he’s switching his major to Web Design (possibly).

Finances are still hitting us below the belt, but we should manage eventually. Bills are what’s killing us it seems. Mom thankfully got me out of the hole and closed my account, so she says, so that’s one less thing we have to worry about.

Still have to go renew our licenses. His expires the 22nd so we need to get on that. Not sure if we can afford it or not, but I guess we’ll find out. Licensing my car was hell. -_-

Sorry this is so jumbled. I just know I haven’t updated in awhile, so I figured I’d let you know what was up in our neck of the woods. I know you all don’t really read this, and the only one who does is Joe. Oh well, at least I can go back and read these later.

“Trust God and Keep Living Right”

Church check
Daily prayers check
Getting involved in the church check
Reading the Bible check
Sincerely trying to trust God check
Staying away from sinful things check
Tithing if we had the money this would be checked
Supporting missionaries dear Lord protect them check

Anything I’m forgetting??? Should I dress like the women in the middle east to prevent lustful thoughts from my brothers? Should I have sex with my husband every night even if it hurts like hell just because he wants me to?? Should I clean until the house is spotless and then keep cleaning? Should I throw childish dreams out the window such as me getting a degree and going to college? Will that make me a better Christian??? Will that help me to “live right” so that God will look at me once more and maybe help us out? Is that what it will take???

I’m seriously trying to rely on God, but it’s hard to rely on empty air. Sure, great for breathing, but all that does is keep me alive, which is about pointless, because I don’t sure want to survive, I would really like to LIVE.

I thank God for the little blessings we get like money for groceries and food to stash in our freezer, but now it’s not the food we need; it’s the bills. Electric could get shut off in the next 24 hours because the check bounced. Why did it bounce? Because rent came first.

This flipping sucks. Where be God? I’m trying to trust Him and I’m doing my best at living right. So where’s my Earthly reward? Death so I can pick it up in heaven? Sure. Kill me now.