Purity

I’m another step closer to telling my story. Josh says I should go with “Purity” instead of “Abstinence” because it expands more. I think I will work on that. He wants to do a panel sometime because I’m not the only leader with that kind of story, but he wants to stick with my title I edited it to make it a bit less harsh, so now instead of “Purity from the Eyes of a Slut” it is “Purity from the Eyes of the Unpure”… just for the sermon thingy.

He says it’s going to be in February, so I guess I need to start working on what I’m going to say. I don’t want to give kids the impression that I’m fine now, because I’m not. What I did is not right, and it has left residue on me. I’m not the same person I was; I gained 1O years I should not have gained. Plus, there’s that trust issue between me and Joe because of it, and that hurts a little bit too.

Yes, I have no regrets, but I still hate what I did back then. I’m glad I did it, because it made me who I am today, but at the same time, I look back and realize how stupid I am for doing that crap. I still go into modes of depression from it at times and wish I could take it back. Ha… Isn’t that what regret means? Wishing you could take it all back? Yet, I don’t… But only because God is using it for His Glory. Only because it has made me who I am today.

Life Right Now

So, I was so hacked at my family that I decided to put up a list of all the jobs I have applied to/all the places I have walked in hoping to apply along with my resume. I did that about two days ago, I suppose.

Joe’s great Aunt Alberta went to the hospital after some stomach and bowel problems. Something about an inflation of the intestine or something. They said it wasn’t fatal, but it was still kind of scary. She’s cool; reminds me of my great Aunt Rosemary, who I love very much.

The job hunt hasn’t gone anywhere still, not for lack of trying.

DDO is addicting! I was on for about 7.5 hours without even realizing it. When I looked at the clock and noticed, however, I logged off and took a nap. I got back on for a couple of hours when my friends came over, though.

I honestly haven’t eaten anything all day except for some peanut M&Ms. The peanuts have protein in them, so that’s good.

Joe has lost his cellphone. It’s been missing for a couple of days, which is fine, since it’s been disconnected anyway… Still, I hate it when I can’t find my phone–whether it works or not!

I snapped a little bit yesterday at church at the youth leader because I still haven’t been able to get involved. There’s a lot of girl group leaders, so there’s really no use for me. I sit with Joe up in the sound booth, but honestly, I’m up there bored out of my mind. I was a bit depressed and hormonal, so yeah… Oops. Oh well, it got the message across, and I didn’t cry (yay). So now he’s coming over tomorrow afternoon (well I guess later on tonight, since it’s 12:15am) to talk to us about how to get me plugged in. He is on a Bathsheba series for the next few weeks, and my testimony really fits in well with his last sermon, so we’re going to discuss that too. Maybe my sole purpose is simply to share that particular testimony. Still, I really want to be able to get plugged in since 1) that’s what God is calling me to do and 2) because I want Joe to be able to be involved, and he will leave if I’m not involved, since if I’m not involved there’s really no reason for me to be there. It takes one person to run the sound system and computer. I’m not really needed right now, and it kills me.

Not sure how Joe is doing with his homework. Every time I ask, he says he’s doing it, but I’m never sure. If he fails, it’s on his shoulders, but I don’t want him to fail. Occasionally I do hear the videos related to school (how-to do this on a computer.. stuff I don’t have a clue about) so that’s good. He really needs to get busy on math, but since this class is ending soon, he wants to get on it. Stupid school screwed him over a week, so he’s running behind as is. I’m just worried that the math will overtake him like last time and he’ll just get fed up and quit. I really hope he doesn’t do that, because it’s a future with possibly more money, and since he’s not feeling much of a purpose at NAPA, he’s not enjoying it so much. He needs to be creative, which is why he’s switching his major to Web Design (possibly).

Finances are still hitting us below the belt, but we should manage eventually. Bills are what’s killing us it seems. Mom thankfully got me out of the hole and closed my account, so she says, so that’s one less thing we have to worry about.

Still have to go renew our licenses. His expires the 22nd so we need to get on that. Not sure if we can afford it or not, but I guess we’ll find out. Licensing my car was hell. -_-

Sorry this is so jumbled. I just know I haven’t updated in awhile, so I figured I’d let you know what was up in our neck of the woods. I know you all don’t really read this, and the only one who does is Joe. Oh well, at least I can go back and read these later.

“Trust God and Keep Living Right”

Church check
Daily prayers check
Getting involved in the church check
Reading the Bible check
Sincerely trying to trust God check
Staying away from sinful things check
Tithing if we had the money this would be checked
Supporting missionaries dear Lord protect them check

Anything I’m forgetting??? Should I dress like the women in the middle east to prevent lustful thoughts from my brothers? Should I have sex with my husband every night even if it hurts like hell just because he wants me to?? Should I clean until the house is spotless and then keep cleaning? Should I throw childish dreams out the window such as me getting a degree and going to college? Will that make me a better Christian??? Will that help me to “live right” so that God will look at me once more and maybe help us out? Is that what it will take???

I’m seriously trying to rely on God, but it’s hard to rely on empty air. Sure, great for breathing, but all that does is keep me alive, which is about pointless, because I don’t sure want to survive, I would really like to LIVE.

I thank God for the little blessings we get like money for groceries and food to stash in our freezer, but now it’s not the food we need; it’s the bills. Electric could get shut off in the next 24 hours because the check bounced. Why did it bounce? Because rent came first.

This flipping sucks. Where be God? I’m trying to trust Him and I’m doing my best at living right. So where’s my Earthly reward? Death so I can pick it up in heaven? Sure. Kill me now.

I think the rumbling is the acid eating what little fat there is…

The only food we have in the house that might fill me up is old.  What else do we have then?  Ramen noodles.  Yup.  That’s pretty much it.  Still can’t find a job, and it seems we’re getting screwed over more and more.  Thanks, life, you suck.

That’s pretty much the only thing on my mind.  It seems to be getting darker around us, and I truly am grasping the little things that are good, such as a good night’s sleep or company coming over and having a crazy LAN party of nothing but DDO.  (great MMO btw)  It doesn’t seem like there is much good to grasp around here, though, sad to say.  I can’t find a job.  Joe can’t find a second job.  Bills are putting us deeper and deeper into the hole, and things are wanting to get shut off.  He gets paid the second, but that’s pretty much sapped away by bills, so not sure how much food we can buy with whatever’s left and how long that food will last.  I don’t even have gas in my car to go get the groceries.  And the jeep is currently out of commission.

-sigh-

That’s pretty much what’s going on right now.  I’m a little over $200 in the hole in my bank account, and there’s no way to up that.  I have a bill to pay before long or my ring gets taken away.  Mom in law helped a little bit which got us another meal and Joe out of the hole, but we’re still starving.  I appreciate her help, considering everyone is having money troubles including her.

I just wish I had a job to help pay for groceries and the bills around here.  I’m really stuck.

On a lighter and different note (yet parallel somehow), we were both led to get involved in Shadowlake Community Church in Papillion, NE.  We go there on Saturday nights and help the youth on Sunday nights.  I would like to remain doing so, but there’s only so much money and gas in this group.  If we’re out a ride, we probably won’t make it to church.  I want to be involved so bad, which is a new feeling for me.  I’ve never felt so lead simply to DO something.  I don’t even know what to do.  I am not much of a leader, and I can’t pray out loud (seriously, I suck at it), but I don’t exactly want to be behind the scenes in the tech area either, and that’s what Joe is doing.  I’m very tempted to ask what I can do for the main church on Saturday nights.  I don’t think I’d mind running a children’s church with Joe or one of our friends (I’m not confident in my abilities to do it alone, as I don’t have the experience or the knowledge of teaching) or a small group of teen girls.  Wow… I guess I could do that for the youth group or something….  It would be interesting.

Just some thoughts… Really hungry right now, but the burritos on my plate are yucky.  And that’s really all there is in the house.  The Lord will provide, as He has every day.

Z.

New Site

Hey everyone, you all know that I’m a writer who loves poetry and fiction and all that.  Well, I have now gotten on Associated Content (associatedcontent.com), which is a site that pays per view on your submission.  You can find me by either searching for contributor Dawn DeMarco, or simply follow this link:  http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/612605/dawn_demarco.html 

I would greatly appreciate it if you would take the time and head on over there.  I am placing my life into the hands of this site and would like some money out of it; yes I am that desperate.  Please go over there.  You do not need to comment, and I’m not sure you even need to read it.  Just click and act like you’re reading it or something.  Who knows?  You may enjoy reading what I’ve written.  I certainly hope so.

Nothing new has been happening.  My family came up for a visit this weekend, so that was a lot of fun.  But other than that, there hasn’t been much going on.

Upwards

Things are still a bit cloudy; I won’t lie to you all. Yesterday I broke down and cried for probably a good hour (talk about exhausting) after finding the “wrong” (What are we doing wrong??)

I got out of bed and went to talk to Joe about how we never spend time with God TOGETHER, which may be a key. I don’t do as much as I should either.

Things were going good until the topic of my choking driving fear came up. Things spiraled down, and it wasn’t even his fault. I realized that I was a selfish idiot, and that all he was doing was trying to help. I felt so empty and so worthless inside, that I just took off back to bed and bawled.

So today is a new day. I applied for two more stores, and my grandmother’s money to help for groceries came in. This morning, I called back the 800 number that kept calling me with no information in the voice mails to even let me know who was calling other than “your jeweler” which could be a scam, Brodkey’s, or Kay’s. How was I to know? Anyway, I called back, and they wanted to let me know that my bill was due within the next 5 days.

I’m going to use my grandmother’s money to get me out of the hole and will have a little bit left over. Even the bill’s taken care of! So things are looking up.

And Joe might be holding the keys yay! More money!

And I has secrets haha

EPIC FAIL

And the phobia clenches me once again. I’m suffocated by my own fears.

And what fear could I, the Z Wolf who has endured many things, possibly have?? One little one. The fear of driving in unknown territories alone with lots of traffic. Small towns I can do. As a matter of fact, I love driving in small towns, on dirt roads, etc. But in a big city, I’m out of place. I love the city, don’t get me wrong. But now I have to drive in it. Suddenly, me no like the city much anymore.

It’s not that I’m an inexperienced driver either. On the contrary, though I have only been driving for a few years now (3 or 4), I consider myself to be a good driver. But my confidence goes bye-bye in the big city.

And so I fail. Thankfully, I have a small excuse to reschedule an interview (and that’s the thing, why do they only give you like a day’s notice?). My father in law is coming in to help take care of things.

Oh yeah, I got an interview with a place I applied for thinking maybe it would be cool to work at a truck stop. But now I don’t really want the job. I just need a job. Oh please, Lord, let the Humane Society call me back. And hire me.

Why am I so afraid of driving? I wish I knew. Because if I knew what was causing the fear, maybe I could make it go away. But I don’t think any amount of “facing it” is going to help.

So I tried asking my dear husband if he would be mad at me for chickening out. He responded asking me what I said and then grew quiet, either actually fallen asleep or just faking it.

Sometimes, I need confirmation that someone is listening. And it seems when I need something from him like that, he’s on another plane (dimension). And of course with the wonderful curse of Eve, I get mad/depressed (usually the latter).

So pretty much I feel worthless. Again (or still, however you might want to look at it). I can’t drive, because I’m too scared. And yes, I truly am scared. Like phobia scared. The Humane Society at least is fairly close and not too hard to get to. I don’t have to deal with too much traffic like I would going most other places, and it’s my passion. That makes it worth it. This overnighting thing for a truck stop just doesn’t cut it.

“You could always say no” Except that I fear saying no would put more strain on this family (including in laws).

Oh I fail no matter WHAT I do! And I hate it!

I don’t want this job, yet I feel as if I’ll get it. I want the animal shelter so bad, yet I doubt I’ll get anything I’m passionate about. I don’t understand.

Why do all my hopes fall; slaughtered?
Why can’t I be grateful that I’m alive and not starving too bad?
Why can’t I have this one thing? Just one thing. A mix between want and need. Need the money; want the job.
Would I even be good at a job?

And why is it that every time I feel the need/desire to cling to my husband, he almost pushes me away? Now, he doesn’t do it on purpose, or at least I don’t think so, but he has other things on his mind. But then, when I don’t feel clingy, he’s all over me. What the heck?

And why can’t a man seem to answer a woman with a simple “I don’t know”? I asked a question, and got complete silence as a response. Why? Because he didn’t know. So just tell me that! Speak your mind! I don’t bite! …hard…

I just want things to make sense for once.

Today

perseverance: the act of acting like you have it all together until what you are looking for comes up. perseverance: the act of seeming strong and patient despite what God has thrown at you. perseverance: I try…

Today has been that kind of day.  You all know what I’m talking about.  When things just aren’t going right, and you feel like you should just sleep the day away to save the world the hassle of dealing with you.  Or to save yourself the hassle of dealing with you.  Or just to make sure you don’t keep hurting yourself.  Garfield would call it “Monday”
Unfortunately, today is Tuesday.  Terrible Tuesday.  Things are falling apart, we are falling apart, and we’re running out of duct tape to hold ourselves together.  It doesn’t help when tears remove the sticky stuff…

Today hit us hard for some reason.  Nothing seemed to be going right, and the financial situation we’re in isn’t getting any better… Worse, maybe?

And when we try to make it better, it’s like EPIC FAIL or CRIT MISS.  Things are out of order or just plain not working.  So then what?

But we’re trying.  Honest.  It’s difficult beyond measure, but we’re trying.

And to top it off, I’ve known for quite sometime that something was wrong with me.  I’m going to make some phone calls tomorrow (if I remember/don’t put it off for too long) to see about getting screened for diabetes.  I have over half of the symptoms of diabetes (the high blood sugar kind), so we will see.  And if that’s negative, I just allowed some doctor to stab me with a needle for nothing (yuck).  And that just marks something off the list of what could be wrong with me.  I’m almost hoping that’s what it is, because then, at least I actually know and can do something about it.

Prayers appreciated,

Z.

idk…

I am worthless.

Of all the things I should be able to do… you know… normal things that even mentally retarded people can do, I can’t.

I can’t remember how to get from one place to the other until I have seen the route several times. I can’t work with food or cleaning supplies because of my allergies and weak stomach. And I can’t get a job.

Application after application after application has been denied, or if I do manage to land an interview, it’s really only because they “saw my resume and liked it” and then slaughtered all hope I had.

Yup. I’m worthless.

Dad in law keeps hounding husband about me not having a job. “How are you going to pay the bills?” I don’t think he means to, but it puts a lot of pressure on my husband which puts twice as much pressure on me. He hounds me about getting a job, and I break down. Why?

Maybe because I’m trying. Maybe because I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe because I can’t do the follow up things. Afraid of rejection? Considering I know I get depressed every time (working on it, honest), maybe. Fear of cold calling? Yeah that too. Can’t drive? Yup, because I don’t know the area.

Every suggestion… slaughtered. By me.

I’m worthless.

I’m running out of hope, faith… I’m running out of a lot of things. I appear stronger than I am if only to keep my husband standing.

But there comes a point when maybe, just maybe, it’s time to use the government for their money. It’s time to ask for help. And not just a one time “here you go” cash for the pocket! I mean, food stamps or whatever. It would help…

That’s all I got.

I’m just trying to hide it all, so I can help Joe with his dreams. But today, I cried. I got off the phone with him and I cried. I had no rebuttal and no idea what to say in return, so I said “I have to go” and hung up. And then I cried.

Because I realized one thing.

I am worthless.

Does God even care?

Mondays Are More My Days

Today is Friday; it’s supposed to be a good day. Or maybe Saturdays are supposed to be good days; idk… but everyone says Thank God It’s Friday! I think I will stay crouched in my little hidden cave away from the world (including nature).

For starters, I haven’t been able to type very well today. My husband was late getting out of the house to work. I got two phone calls from Alegent After Hours about them having the wrong address for me. I know they are just wanting the money I can’t pay them. I decided to ride my bike to go get the mail and managed to hit my brakes too hard and almost fall off my bike, skinning myself beside the knee (it burns) right in front of one of the “biker brigade” kids. >< Yup. Today has just been one of those days. And then when I parked it in the shed, I ran the rear tire over my toes

I think I'm just going to hide the rest of the day.